The Official Black Owl Review of "Prometheus."

SO YOU KNOW: SPOILERS        SPOILERS         SPOILERS (all images property 20th Century Fox)

I believe, in my life, I have seen a handful of "perfect" films.  Now, in my mind "perfect" does not necessarily correspond to "best" but they are films which present their subjects in such a way that no change could improve the way they play out.  The first perfect film that comes to mind for me is always "Raiders of the Lost Ark."  The character of Indiana Jones, the pace, the evil Nazis, the memorable moments: all of it meshes to perfection and presents an action-adventure like no other.  I also like to mention "Conan the Barbarian," the Milius version from 1982, not the 2011 version.  The movie has almost no dialogue, but the imagery, the violence, the bastardly nature of Conan are just pitch perfect as a fantasy movie.  The 2011 version really just serves to point out the greatness of the original.  Nothing would make it better.

A third "perfect" film is Ridley Scott's 1979 SF/Horror classic, "Alien."  From the everyman "space trucker" characters to the disturbingly sexual overtones of the hideous xenomorph, to the plausibility of the tech and design, "Alien" is truly perfect.

So perhaps thinking "Prometheus" would be as good was a mistake.  Don't get me wrong, "Prometheus" is a very good film, and though not as scare oriented as the original offers one truly horrific scene that made the entire theater very uncomfortable, and yet fit with the story.  There are a couple of excellent performances, and the set and shot designs are stunning.  But...  

Let me start with what doesn't work, so I can get to what does; because what does work, works wonderfully.  This film is flooded with actors, and has barely any characters.  As much as the aforementioned everyman crew of the first film made plenty of mistakes and had their share of..."special" moments, many of the actions and reactions of the characters in this film defy even the strangest Hollywood logic.  Charlie, one of the scientists whose research led to this mission seems inconsolable when "all" they find is absolute evidence of all his theories and, oh by the way, the origins of Human life on Earth.  Fifield, the punk-rock geologist (see what I did there?) who TAKES A JOB TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE freaks out at the first sign of alien life... which is quite dead.  Even more bizarre, the BIOLOGIST who has the opportunity of a life time freaks out and wants to escape when he sees 2000 year-dead alien bodies, but thinks it's a good idea to pet the very alive very squirmy wormlien.  Additionally, there's a bunch of people running around who never get names, so when they get whacked, you just don't care.  Taking the time to show us those people could have been better spent investing us in the characters whom we do know; I barely sympathize with Doctor Shaw, and she's the one asking the big questions which are the crux of the film.  

There's some inconsistency with the threat as well.  There's black oil (did someone get Chris Carter's permission?) that turns worms into evil snakes, and geologists into zombies, and when ingested as only a drop makes mopey archeologists want to be burned to death.  But said oil also was used by the Engineers to infuse (through a haunting scene of self sacrifice) their DNA into life on Earth.  And when apparently channeled through a couple of human reproductive systems (including one that doesn't work) makes humans gestate Cthulhu-like babies that will later mix with an Engineer and make a proto-xenomorph (more on this later).  I appreciate that some of the ambiguity is intended, particularly on the part of The Engineers who seem intent on destroying human life having created it, but the Oil comes off as a bit Deus-Ex-Machina to me doing whatever the writers need it to do when they need it.  I also had a hard time suspending my personal disbelief that Dr. Shaw could have a Caesarian to remove a particularly violent little octo-thulhu and then sprint down alien hallways and rappel off alien ships.  Just didn't work for me.

So what does work?  A hell of a lot actually.  Although they missed some bets on these details, the big stuff is pretty damn good.  The character who works really damn well is David, who I think also provides the focal point of the big questions.  Charlie is so distraught he can't confront his creators about their purposes, yet repeatedly treats humanity's creations with disdain.  David is an outcast among his so-superior creators, while those same people seek their parents and expect answers.  Fassbender is as usual perfect in this role, and I actually found I appreciated the movie a bit more placing the story around him rather than Dr. Shaw.

The sets are truly stunning with enough visual link to "Alien" to know there's some connection, but enough questions left that you know you don't have the whole story yet.  This is NOT LV426, so how does one of the Engineers with a ship full of Xenomorph eggs get there?  How did Weyland become Weyland-Yutani?  How does Weyland-Yutani KNOW there will be an Engineer ship full of xenomorph eggs there when seemingly the first xenomorph progenitor only comes into existence on LV223 after Dr. Shaw and David leave to find the Engineer homeworld?  Why DID the Engineers seed Earth with their DNA, planning to revisit it with the Black Oil millions of years later?  How did it wipe out this base?  Why did they leave a map for us to find their secret weapon of mass destruction base?  Is the Black Oil really the next intended "upgrade" in our design?  What else will the proto-xenomorph "breed" through to become the steel-jawed Alien I crapped my pants to in 1979?

Whoa.  Obviously I stumbled into what the movie does best; it makes you think about it.  You want the answers as much as the characters did, and perhaps more than the ones who didn't even know why they were there (and I still don't know why they were there...).  It is a great movie to speculate over, and you can't help but move into real life questions about our place in the universe from there.  In that, complete success.

So yes, a very good film, with a lot to offer.  I like it, but really think it could have been more, could have been tightened up, could have had one more re-write.  I am looking forward to seeing what subsequent viewings do for me, and what little things are going on I just downright missed.  Though I am disappointed it wasn't better, it is not a disappointing film.  It's borderline great.

But not perfect.

For my hundredth post, I become a Trek Protestant.

Wow- 100 posts here on Black Owl. Those of you who read, thank you. Those who don't but still manage to get this... who are you? Are you stalking me?

Seriously though, let me point out on this occasion that I recently started Twittering. It's not really a useful thing, but it is oddly enjoyable, particularly when people you don't know start following, and you can follow people you wish you knew. Appealing on some social level I guess, though I wonder if it takes away too much time from experiencing the Big Blue Room. Of course, I am still in Washington, so the Big Room is usually gray and wet.

If you haven't checked out the website the above picture is from, please do. Much funny there if you know your Trek, and even if you are only familiar with the cliches, it is amusing. I credit and thank them as I steal from them for the picture below. I feel a little bit like Martin Luther nailing up 95 theses... perhaps even a little dirty. But do you see it? It's there... it's there. Indulge this shameful mancrush! Old Kirk defined cool- new Kirk's taking the ball and running with it.



Heck yeah!

OK- this one's gonna get me in trouble...

In my previous post, my sole reader (maybe I should just email you? :) ) mentioned I was parsing my words in regard to salvation coming only from Christ. Do I believe salvation comes only from Christ? Yes. As quoted "no one comes to the Father except through me." Do I believe only Christians will be saved? No. The concept is far deeper than a simple yes or no can summarize.

Perhaps that makes me not a Christian. Well, that applies to 57% of Evangelical Christians then. Of course, majorities have been wrong before- we elected W. twice.

However, I have to look at what God is, and what He says. Unfortunately, except when I am in the most ecstatic of prayers, the only reference I have for God's will is the Bible. I think the Word is infallible. Man's Language, particularly translated language, has no such claims. Perhaps God acted to secure meaning in translation so His word is unblemished in the new versions- so then which translation should I go with? King James, which was politically motivated? Jerusalem Bible, a Catholic Bible meant as poetry? NIV, NRSV, RSV, Schofield, Peterson's Message, New World Translation, Jefferson's? Even when Jesus speaks the line above, he SPOKE Aramaic, and we have the line in Greek, then translated into English. Is the translation wrong? Probably not, but I bet it is missing subtlety.

So what is Salvation? It would seem to mean Eternal Life. Entering the Kingdom of Heaven. Continued existence despite the state of the world. I am sure it is much deeper than that, but let's go with it. Who gets it? Anyone God chooses. Paul confirms for us in Romans that the promise God made to the Jews- His chosen people- will not be cast aside despite the coming of Christ. (Chapter 11.) Indeed, the Jews play a specific role bringing the grace given them by God to the Gentile. Paul has already told us that GOD defines His people (Rm 9:6-9) by the Covenant (promise here from the Greek) and quotes Moses from Exodus 33:19 when he states God says "I will have Mercy upon whom I will have mercy, and compassion upon whom I will have compassion." Sounds like it is up to God who gets saved. Of course, I argue with Paul a lot, so I had to see if someone else also showed Hebraic salvation despite belief in Christ.

Well, Christ does. In Luke 15 Jesus gives us the parable of the prodigal son when asked why He hangs with sinners. Remember however, Luke is written by a Gentile for the Gentiles. The deeper meaning of this parable is not only a sinner returning to the fold, but the Gentiles having opportunity to receive the grace God the Father has already bestowed on the child who stayed, the Jews. Notice, at the end of the parable, the good son is not kicked out of his inheritance. Further, look at the parable of The Vineyard Workers. Those who came late (the Gentiles) received the same pay as those who worked all day (the Jews), but the ones who worked all day did not lose THEIR jobs.

So, here plainly in the Bible (and I haven't even gotten into James who implies you can work your way to Salvation, or The Great White Throne Judgement in Revelation where all who were ever born are resurrected and judged according to their works) are an entire people who receive salvation by virtue of their ancestors and not because they choose Christ as their personal savior- God chooses them, not vice versa. The Children of Abraham are spread far and wide, and indeed we have no idea how many descendants of the Lost Tribes are scattered among the population of the world. So already we have Biblical precedent showing there will be people saved who have not made the literal acceptance of Jesus as their savior. Jesus/God has instead chosen them.

So, how can I reconcile these thoughts with "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life- no one comes through the Father but through Me"? First, there's the deeper question of how separate God and Jesus are. Since the seeds of our modern Christianity lie with Athanasius who beat out Arius in the Nicean debates, we believe in a God who is "una substancia, tres persona" ("a single substance with three faces") rather than Jesus being, as Arius argued, "tertium quid" ("something different"). Jesus is 100% human and 100% God, and God and Jesus are of the same substance. Indeed, Jesus says in the same book (John) "I and the Father are one" (Jn 10:30). John also argues Jesus as "The Word" made flesh, and "In the beginning the Word was with God and the Word was God."

So, in simpler language the first quote can read "no one comes to Me but through Me."

So, does the "Me" in this divine case mean specifically the Jewish Carpenter, or the idea of Mashiah, the Christ, our Messiah? What IS the Messiah, what IS Jesus as God and man, and how does His sacrifice equal salvation? Humanity sins. Sinning, doing "bad," must have a fundamental effect on the state of the universe. Offending God creates a debt, an imbalance, which must be equalized. The debt must be paid, the balance restored, and the effect minimized. Somehow, and I make no claims to know how, God living as a man and dying one of the most heinous deaths we as humans have ever concocted pays this debt. God in the form of Jesus says, "I made these rules, yet I also made you inclined toward breaking them. However, I am not just holding you to the standard and throwing you to the proverbial wolves, I am taking PERSONAL responsibility and showing you how to meet my standards, and paying the price of not following the rules for you."

The price has been paid, or as my Buddhist friends say, the karmic debt is even. God has walked into the Universal Taco Bell and declared anyone can have a free taco. How do we redeem that? One way is certainly acknowledging the payment of the debt by accepting Jesus' salvation. Remember though, God WANTS ALL of us to have our free taco. It's already been purchased. It is still up to us to take the taco, but I think there must be more than one way to take delivery. Otherwise, there's a lot of leftover taco. God loves the world; God will stack His salvation in the world's favor.

Remember- the idea of being saved only through Christ all but originates with Augustine, then flows through Thomas Aquinas, and John Calvin- Augustine comes along some 400 years after Jesus left us. Politics and mankind's prejudice already got into the mix. Many very well regarded Christian scholars argued against exclusive salvation including Origen, John Wesley, and even CS Lewis. So why don't we ask Jesus how to attain the Kingdom?

The basis of all the Law, all the prophets, the entire Kingdom, according to Jesus in Matthew is:

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (22:37-39)

Jesus never even utters the word "Salvation" in the course of the Bible. He speaks only of entering the Kingdom, and He says it is at hand. See above for how He says you must come to Him through Him. There's not much to prove Jesus would agree with Calvin.

In Matthew 7 Jesus says "Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the kingdom of heaven – only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven." Is Jesus putting the idea of serving God's will ahead of calling on the name Jesus? Just food for thought...

It seems God will cast the nets and choose which fish to keep and which to throw back. I will not claim to know how He plans to do this, but neither can I limit which of His children He will save, and the evidence He leaves in the Bible, unencumbered by man's theological doctrine, doesn't seem to either. I know the word "Jesus" means salvation, though. We keep coming back to God IS salvation.

Then comes the "reason" argument, and I don't think God would have given us reason if He didn't want us to use it. Why would God make a system which automatically excludes anyone who had the misfortune of being born before Jesus? There must be a condition to offer them salvation. How about those who die as infants? Those who perhaps hear the name Jesus only as distant trivia of a foreign religion? Those who even in our modern world never hear the name? This is a God who "so loved the world He sent His only begotten Son" to save us- is that the action of an entity who would be so exclusionary? I don't think God breaks his own rules of Salvation, but I think His rules are far deeper and more intricate than we can understand, including the simple acceptance of Jesus, but expanding to more.

So Jesus is God, and God again grants salvation as He sees fit. Should we begrudge the idea that God may extend His salvation to those who in our eyes don't deserve it? Does that make us the vineyard workers who were there all day?

Finally, I can't limit God. God is much more than I can understand. Much more than human language can express in any one religion, book, or philosophy. If this is so, I must reserve judgment on how God will do things, and finally accept that Salvation comes from God, however He wants to hand it out. And it makes no logical, theological, or Christian sense that He would be so elitist as to exclude children from His grace based only on the idea they didn't follow/understand/hear the ideas of one particular group.

I expect no one to agree with me, and nor do I in anyway want to disparage anyone else's faith. I want only to state what I believe based on my conversations with God, and deep study of other similarly baffled humans. I am the first to admit I am likely wrong, or at least limited in my understanding. God is hard to listen too sometimes, and I have certainly misinterpreted Him before... but I was asked. Isn't it far more important however that we follow the example Jesus gave us in life? We care for our weak, we strive for peace, we are merciful, and are pure of heart. Once we all get there, then we can take the time to begin to work out exactly how God's salvation applies to we His children.

Amen.

"...oh, and while you are at it Lord, how about a cheeseburger?"

OK- I am all about the Omnipotent God. Me and the Lord go way back, and I have no doubt He is capable of anything He wants to be. However, earlier today I was watching CNN, and I see there are people forming prayer circles to pray for lower gas prices.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are running rampant over the Earth, and we aren't praying for peace, or food for the starving, but lower gas prices so we can keep driving our Humvees.

Do you remember the joke about the guy whose house is flooding? The sheriff comes to him in a 4x4 as the waters start rising, and the man refuses to evacuate, saying the Lord will take care of him. Later the Sheriff has to bring a boat, and still the man refuses to evacuate, saying the Lord will take care of him. Finally, as the man is on his roof to escape the waters, the Sheriff flies by in a helicopter, begging the man to evacuate. For a third time the man refuses, saying the Lord will take care of him. A while later as the man stands atop his chimney, and the waters have reached his neck, he cries out in anger to God, "I had faith in you to take care of me Lord! Why have you abandoned me?!" And from on high comes a voice:
"I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter; what more do you want?"

I can see these guys standing around the gas pumps praying for lower gas prices, and from on high comes a voice:
"I gave you solar power, wind generators, and hybrids; what more do you want?"

The End of the Second Babylonian Exile

Well ladies, gentlemen, and all others who might possibly tune back into this fallow blog, I have returned to the Homeland, and left the dust, grime, carnage, and blood of Babylon once more behind me. Yet another bit of service to my firm is done, and I can look forward now to…

Well, the third Babylonian Exile. Not immediate of course, but I have no illusions that my service to the South Canadian Empire will not lead me to again breathe the acrid stench of burning garbage, fecal matter, and high explosive that is Babylon. It is only my hope that I cannot in a few years coyly write a blog entry called “Babylon 5.” That will suck.

So why have I been so quiet? Well, my firm has decided to keep an eye on those who would blogify their experiences in Babylon. Ostensibly, this is to prevent Faux News style gaps in operational security (while here I watched a Faux News reporter describe on national television the inner workings of a system so secret I don’t even want to mention it here because I am sure it is a keyword search for the No Such Agency). However, I am somehow loathe to want to register my free thoughts with the modern equivalent of a political officer. So, I have bottled up all kinds of stuff, mentally relieving myself once on leave (last entry) and now with my triumphant return to the Homeland. Oh what a difference months can make.

If you will look below, you will see I made comment that my firm can be taught. I now know that my firm can also forget everything it learned. Somehow, as if a switch was flipped, or I slid through a strange gap in the Space/Time Continuum, my return form leave to Babylon brought me to a unit operating as if it were the halcyon days of 2004. Precise targeting for apprehension gave way to hearsay, and we again put a huge wall between the left hand and the right hand. My hope has been pretty well beaten out of me as I watch us not understand who our enemy is, not understand how to keep friends, and not understand why people want to blow us up. Oy. At least the explosions keeping me up all night this time were outgoing, and I can say it rained metal on me and my comrades much less than before.

Why the hell aren’t we running out of Babylonians to blow up? Because, when you blow one up, it ticks off his fellow tribe members. “Tribe? Well that’s a silly reason to want to kill someone! Why aren’t they acting like South Canadians and just sucking it up?” Because, Einstein, they are BABYLONIANS AND THEY THINK AND ACT LIKE BABYLONIANS!!!! In this culture, if you kill a tribe or family member, regardless of how friendly your two tribes are, there’s a debt of honor that must be paid. Usually with something explosive.

Another little factor is what I call the “I want your goat” factor. Joe the Babylonian wants Frank the Babylonian’s goat. It is a very simple matter to find a member of my firm and say, “Frank is a terrorist!” Early in this tour, we would wait for a few guys to say Frank was a terrorist. By the end, Joe didn’t even have to write it down and we would storm into Joe’s house in the middle of the night and whisk him away to talk to Imperial Inquisitors. Time passes, Joe comes home to find his goat gone, along with most of his worldly possessions, and possibly his daughters or wife, Joe gets angry. Poof! Instant terrorist. It is also amusing to watch the tribal leaders swear the rival tribes’ males are all terrorists, and likely harboring Usamah bin Laden himself. After all, they are the same sect, and everyone knows you can’t trust a (insert opposite sect here).

So, what progress has five years in Babylon made? Well… I really didn’t see any. There are pockets of normalcy, but the simple fact is these people are killing each other in droves and we are basically a single finger in a very large, very creaky dike. I hope, I hope, I hope. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I don’t see it getting better anytime soon, and for every step forward we sponsor, we then take a couple in reverse.

“WHY DAN? WHY IS BABYLON SO FRACKED UP?” as Starbuck would ask. I have a very short succinct answer that will get me in trouble with a lot of people for whom I care deeply:

Religion.

Oh wait, allow me to elucidate. It’s not Islam I have an issue with, though primarily it is not my bag. The issue is fundamentalism. A belief system of any sort so close-minded, so intractable, so self-righteous it cannot allow for even the possibility that it might have some things wrong and someone else might have some things right. See, if I can’t be wrong, you can’t be right unless you believe exactly what I do. If that’s my base assumption, I start going from there. I can never allow anyone to change what I think, and anyone who offers a counter-opinion is not only wrong, but a problem. And even if I am firm in my faith, what if some infidel decides to talk to my children when I am not around? Then, someone who believes differently is not just wrong, they become…

A threat. The very existence of a different way of thinking is a threat to my family, my tribe, my culture. I have to stop them, I must keep my faith pure. Besides, if they don’t believe like I do, they aren’t in God’s favor anyway, He won’t mind if I discriminate to keep them away for my kids. Or shun. Or banish. Or murder. Heck, I bet God WANTS me to kill people who don’t believe like I do! That means more opportunity for people on the right path to succeed, so long as there are less infidels.

Another aspect of fundamentalism is the idea that you hold no responsibility because anything that happens is God’s will. In Arabic, this is “Insha’ Allah-” as God wills it. This answer is handed out whenever you ask someone why they don’t make things better, why they don’t actually stop the bad guys? Insha’ Allah. C’est La Vie. Que Sara Sara. Predestination. Fate. There is nothing I can do, because it is all up to God, He has removed all responsibility and culpability from me. I have actually seen Babylonian soldiers puzzled that we want them to practice marksmanship- if God wants them to hit the target, they will. Practice is futile. Making a decision is futile. Taking hold of your future is futile.

Sound familiar? Willing to kill those who don’t think like me, and denying all responsibility for your actions? That’s what leads to people crashing airplanes into sky scrapers. That’s what leads honest citizens to feed other citizens into ovens. That’s what leads to people burning down Black churches or Synagogues. That’s what leads to Jihads/Crusades, which are the same thing in a different language; killing in the name of God. I am sorry. It’s wrong to kill I the name of God, and that is what I am intractable about. If God wanted us killing each other, the Israelites wouldn’t have a commandment saying “You will not Murder.” Jesus would not have gotten nailed to a tree for telling people to love each other. Muhammad wouldn’t have tried to pull warring Arab tribes together under the banner of a religion whose very name means “of Peace.” I could go into Karma, and Nirvana, and a myriad of other religions that all agree on one thing- God wants us working together not whacking one another. When does it go wrong? How does “Love one another as I have loved you” become the Spanish Inquisition?

Intractability. Intolerance. Fundamentalism. Nearly every conflict on Earth right now can somehow be traced to Fundamentalist belief in something- Wahabbist Islam, Fanatical Zionism, (insert ethnicity here) Supremacy, dogmatic Christian intolerance, the Almighty Dollar.

And several of those fundamentalist beliefs come together in Babylon. And that my dear Starbuck, is why Babylon is so fracked up. And no one believes we can really do anything about it, because Insha’ Allah.

Don’t misunderstand me -- I am all about protecting MY way of life. I am all about defending MY family, and nation, and people. Unlike most people who like to bitch about such things*, I actually took an oath and put my life on the line to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic, and to bear true faith and allegiance to the same.” When I see though how my Firm is being crushed by the intractable fundamentalism of the Babylonians as it slams up against the intractable fundamentalism of my nation’s decision makers, I can’t help but think this sick, tired, over spent, frustrated, angry force is going to have a hell of a time defending MY way of life, MY family, MY nation, and MY people when a serious threat crops up.

So, as my Second Babylonian Exile ends, I look forward to the third one, whenever that may be. It is my earnest hope that Babylon is the worst fight my Firm ever has to deal with again.

History tells me it won’t be. So make your choice my South Canadian Empire, my beloved fellow citizens of my United States of America. Do we keep fumbling around in Babylon, rubbing our fundamentalism on theirs? Or do we regroup, reassess, and redirect toward where a real threat may actually be? Where Al-Qa’ida has regrouped in the mountains between Pakistan and Afghanistan? Where China waits for us to blink with the ability to raise an Army equal to our entire population? Where fundamentalists in the former Soviet Bloc are passing nuclear materials like they are cards in a bridge tournament? Where the actual source of most of our oil is under an arrogant twit like Hugo Chavez? To be fair, you should know what happens to Babylon when we leave.

Blood. Blood on a scale that makes what we spill now look like something we can slap a band-aid on. But it is a decision too important to leave to fate, too important to not let out nation’s decision makers (who I will remind you WORK FOR YOU) know what you think. Don’t give me any Insha’ Allah crap, get up, make a decision, make your voice heard, whichever track you follow. Choose America, choose what you want. But for Gods’ sake, actually make a choice, don’t just sit there waiting for someone to make the decision for you, for someone else to take responsibility.

Your protectors are tired. And we’d really like to do something right.


*as I read over the above, I would like to add a small caveat. As you choose, as you research, check facts, and make an informed decision I ask one more thing. If you choose war, and that’s fine if you honestly believe it, if you choose war put your ass behind your decision. Five million people make up your complete armed forces. All of it. There are 300 million Americans. Yeah, I know that includes children and the elderly, and those who have already served and paid their way as citizens. However, if one percent- just three million more Americans, put their lives on hold for five years and served in the military the burden would be immeasurably lessened on those here now. And I say, particularly if you think the occupation of Babylon is a good idea (and I am not arguing either way right now) it seems to me you have an obligation.

However, it is very possible right now I am just tired and disgruntled, and after all misery loves company.

Blurry Vision of a Blurry World

Well, I recently underwent PRK surgery on my eyes, which meant some time sitting at home with the news on- which I couldn't really watch being as I was half-blind and drugged up. As a result, if I remember currectly the current events of the world seem to be a Bald Britney Spears going into Sadr City to bury Anna Nicole Smith but instead finding the Tomb of Jesus, whom Condoleeza Rice said was like the Nazis, but Hillary Clinton said that was OK because she was used to dealing with bad men like Barack Obama who is a Muslim who crashed the stock market and sent a tornado to Enterprise, Alabama. There may have been a commercial about a caveman in there as well. Let's see if I can sort this out.

-Britney: somebody buy her an island, and leave here there with no drugs, booze, or parties for a year. Maybe we can leave her a nice bow and arrow and we can get a superhero out of the deal (shout out to my fellow Green Arrow fans).

-Anna: oh wait, don't care. Apparently, since MSNBC's viewers went up five times during their OJ-like coverage of this bullshit, someone does care. Thanks America, for being vapid.

-Sadr City: private message to Muq Al Sadr (we're tight, I can call him Muq)- tell your people to sit down and shut up. We'll jump at the chance to declare victory, go away and then you exterminate Sunnis all you want. Remember though, they have friends... By the way- pretty amazing and sad to me that news about Iraq in general has taken a second seat to the above tales of woe. Way to support the troops there America!

-The Lost Tomb of Jesus: They know it's the tomb of THE Jesus because of the ministry his mother Mary carried on after his death that most of his followers fell under leading to the spread of Christianity in the Greco Roman world and the latinization of her name which appears on the Ossuary. What was it latinized to, "Paul"? I've read a lot of Jesus-stuff, both dogmatic and not, and no one talks about the Virgin Mary becoming a great Rabbi. They also point out that there's a Matthias in the tomb, and Jesus' great great grandfather on Mary's side was Matthias; so, Joseph didn't live long enough to get buried in this tomb in Jerusalem with the rest of them, but Jesus' great great grandfather did? I'm the first to say that the Gospel writiers wrote what they knew to be true, and that it may not be particularly objective. I'm the first to say that there's more to this Jesus thing than Christian dogma would have us believe. But I think we're going to find out that these names got on these caskets the same way that "James, brother of Jesus" one got there; it was scratched in by the guy who dug it up. I also think that we wouldn't even know enough to recongnize the real thing as possibly being Jesus of Nazareth's tomb if it is out there. Hmm- maybe I'll do some Jesus bloggin' here soon, Babylon not withstanding.

-Condi Rice: She doesn't want to redefine that American mission in Iraq because it would be like redefining what we did in Germany after WWII. Well, as smart guy/smart ass Keith Olberman has already pointed out, we did just that- it was called the Marshall Plan and called for dropping food instead of bombs. Also, I can only wish we treated Iraq after the war like we treated Germany after that war. See, in Germany we took the top Nazis out and hanged them, but the Berlin Dog Catcher, who happened to be a party member so he could have a job, was left in place along with the rest of the government infrastructure. Sure, they all renounced the Reich, but the same folks who were responsible for the sewers on May 8th, 1945 were still responsible for the sewers on May 9th 1945. We sent anyone with a Ba'ath party membership packing and had no replacement governmental infrastructure to handle everyday business. The Baghdad Dog Catcher was a "terrorist". Well, he is now...

- Hillary Clinton: My God; she said something funny that almost made her appear... human. Dems- cut her slack please. If you can't pick on Bill Clinton, who can you pick on?

-Barack Obama: Please be an honest man, please be an honest man...

-Stock Market: Dan's paranoid investment tip for the day. No matter what the condition of the world, from New World Order to New Dark Ages, always invest in medicine, food, and guns- they NEVER loose value! Just ask-

-Enterprise, Alabama: One of the best Mexican resturants I ever ate in was in Enterprise, Alabama. It was about a mile from the statue of the Greek Goddess holding up the boll weevil. The town honors the Boll Weevil because the little bugger destroyed their cotton crop resulting in them having to plant peanuts, which in turn resulted in great prosperity. Those people are survivors, and my prayers are with them in their time of need.

For right or wrong, that's how I see this stuff. And they say news commentary is hard; it's so easy even a caveman could do it.

My review of “Superman Returns” or “Did I see the same movie as you guys?”

Let me give fair warning right now, this is not a spoiler free review. There are lots of them. So what I’ll do is give my spoiler free review right now-
This movie is the most “real” superhero movie ever made. The emotions are adult and complex, and the layers of the various interrelationships and plots are so deep I had to just sit and think about this movie for about as long as I watched it. Then I watched it again. This is a movie that is more than worthy of a Best Picture nomination. Unfortunately, looking at the internet and box office response, this seems to have scared away people who just wanted to see Superman catch airplanes and beat up Lex Luthor. There’s plot and emotion, and apparently that’s a detriment to some people. Spoilers begin now…
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If the movie suffers in my book from anything it is that it should have been longer. I did walk out wanting to see some scenes between scenes, and luckily these are things that I understand were filmed and we should see on the DVD release. The film stands beautifully on its own however, provided you are willing to give the movie a little thought. This is no popcorn film. It is grown up. Very grown up. Once again- this is the spoiler part, so here’s your last chance. Superman goes to visit the remnants of Krypton resulting in a five year absence from the Earth, which learns to move on without him. Lois Lane in particular has moved on and has a child with her fiancé Richard. They live together in bliss in a lovely house. Lois has made herself a life, grown up and settled down. Yet deep within her she is hurt- hurt that Superman would leave without even saying goodbye. Her resentment manifests itself as an article entitled “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman.” This article has also earned Lois a Pulitzer Prize.

Then, He comes back.

I capitalize personal pronouns for Superman in this film, as He is painted as a deity. His five years away seem to be His forty days in the desert. He returns to His mission, and Lois’ resentment still holds.

I expected from this film for Richard White to be a jackass. I waited for the scene where Lois realizes she’s just settled for some jerk in lieu of Superman. Not here. Richard is a great guy, a great father, and a hero in his own right. When Luthor’s plot (which I will get to in a moment) endangers Lois and her son Jason, it is not Superman, but Richard who gets there first. And herein lies the complexity- you see, Jason is not actually Richard’s son; he is Superman’s. It is my suspicion that Lois doesn’t even know this. You may remember in Superman II Superman has erased her memory of their intimacy with a kiss- I don’t doubt that Lois thinks Jason is Richard’s, at least until an incredible feat on Jason’s part proves otherwise. The movie leaves us with this scenario- Mommy, Daddy, Kid, and kid’s real Daddy- the modern nuclear family, only this time with a cape. There is no easy solution, but as humans they are going to get by. It makes me consider the relationship between Joseph/Mary/Jesus/God- How does the surrogate father of God’s son look upon the boy he’s raising? In this film Richard gets it- gets Lois’ feelings for Superman, and moves forward. They are going to make it work no matter how difficult. It’s a mature, difficult relationship usually reserved for films about British servants at the turn of the century with lots of people named “Hopkins” and “Thompson” in them. Here, we get it bundled with Superman. Now, to react to naysayers who say Kate Bosworth doesn’t pull off the feisty Lois here I say- have a kid. Your hell brand days are over. Lois here is a mature woman who still carries the spark of her youth but has to pick the kid up from school- she doesn’t have the ability to sit in the Daily Planet all night. Is Bosworth a little young for this role? Maybe, but I think she pulls it off well enough, and I didn’t end up questioning her in the role- she still wouldn’t be my first pick, but her spark with Routh is good.

Routh is Superman. From the moment you see Him, you know He is the Man of Steel. It is interesting that this incarnation has Superman bring a little of Clark into His life. In the scene of news montages chronicling Superman’s return, you see a building burning, which is blown out by Superman. Before He flies off, He gives a self conscious smile and wave- very similar to one given by Clark to throw Richard and Lois’ suspicions off in the Daily Planet office. I can’t wait to see Routh in this role again.

Lex Luthor. He is diabolical. I have seen a lot of bashing on his plan, and frankly I wonder if they saw the same movie I did. Luthor historically in the films has been a land obsessed megalomaniac who hates that Superman even exists. He sits waiting in jail, the events of Superman II in his mind, knowing there is Kryptonian technology just sitting there. And Superman is gone! Gone! Lex must get out. He does, he tracks his way back to the Fortress of Solitude, stepping on hearts and souls to do so. And in the Fortress he finds not only tech, but tech that can give him what he so loves- land. Sure, creating a new continent is going to do some damage, and billions will die, but it is what they deserve for not bowing to his genius in the first place (is it a coincidence that Metropolis will be the first city wiped out by New Krypton? I think not…). More than that, he achieves his goal by besmirching the memory of the missing Superman, by bastardizing everything Superman stood for, and using Superman’s own home technology to do it. It is a perfect plan.

Then He comes back.

Lex is not to be outdone however. He will still create his continent, but this time he will not only use the Kryptonian technology to defend himself from human retaliation, he will lace the entire thing with Kryptonite, making him invulnerable to Superman- at least he believes. And indeed, when Superman arrives he is brutalized by Luthor and his minions (think Jesus beaten by the Romans, the imagery is there). Lex proves what a thug he really is as he violently shivs Superman with a chunk of His homeworld. Even more brutal though is the simple fact that Luthor has created a bizarro version of Krypton. The place Superman so desperately wanted to see that he went to visit “a graveyard” and was missing for five years is now recreated right here on Earth in Lex Luthor’s twisted way. It is Satan reinterpreting the Kingdom of Heaven, and Heaven’s Son must stop it.

But on Superman’s trip to Golgotha, he is first helped by Veronica wiping his face in the form of Lois pulling him from the ocean (finally, after sixty years she gets to save Him). We see a moment of Superman ascending to absorb power from the sun and then he descends, cutting the cancer that is New Krypton away from the Earth, and despite the hardship, despite the agony he conquers the Kryptonite laden rock and casts it out into space, throwing Hades into the bottomless pit. You can almost hear him whisper “It is finished” before He spreads his arms in the shape of the cross and plummets into the Earth.

Here, as Superman is rushed into an emergency room that can do almost nothing for Him we see the shortest heart-rending scene in movie history. Martha Kent stand in the throng of people waiting to see what happens to their hero, and she can do nothing. She must sit at the foot of the cross like Mary as her son does not belong to her anymore but to the world.

Then comes my one true complaint with the movie. Lois Lane brings Jason to see Superman who is now in a hospital bed. She doesn’t recognize him as Clark. Let’s face it; the disguise has never been the glasses. It’s how Clark moves and acts versus the confidence of Superman. Yet here, vulnerable and weak like Clark, Lois cannot see him in Superman. That is my one minor complaint (indeed, counter to this is a scene earlier where Jason immediately recognizes that Clark and Superman are one in the same, and I love that a child who does not bear the prejudices of an adult would see right through Superman’s role playing).

Soon after, a nurse comes into the room to find the bed empty and the window open- the tomb is empty, the stone’s been rolled away and now His body isn’t there. Then Superman gets a chance to speak to His son as His son… quoting Jor-El in a moment that shows that he understands the irony of the fact that he spent five years searching the cosmos to find a true connection to another living thing- when that connection was waiting for Him on Earth all along. Beautiful.

There are a million wonderful little moments in this film, several of which come from simple reaction- Jimmy eating a Burrito as Clark looks on with tortilla stuck on his face; the image of Superman with the world on his shoulders as he catches the Daily Planet’s globe, and Perry’s response; a bathrobed Lex Luthor finding Lois Lane on his boat, and soon noticing her young son’s reaction to Kryptonite. There are moments for the fanboys- Glenn Ford’s picture on the mantle at the Kent’s; the iconic Action Comics number one pose captured by a 12 year old with a cell phone; the opening credits taken directly from the original movies; Marlon Brando; the quick mention of Gotham City; guest cameos by the fifty’s TV show’s Jimmy and Lois. Good stuff.

And yet, we see slow box office, and people on line calling the movie slow or so-so. I know everyone has a right to an opinion, but it is such a shame to see this movie perform in a mediocre fashion. There is love in this movie for the source material from the makers, and it is obvious in every scene. There are a couple of specific nit picks I’ve seen I want to address:

Lex’s plan has him controlling barren rock on an island—He isn’t done yet, that’s why the map in the boat is incremental, and he still has six more crystals. Once he applies the rest of the crystals it will be more than a rocky island, but indeed a Superman proof version of Kryptonian Utopia. Oh, on a side note, isn’t it great that at the end, that though it isn’t Australia or New Krypton, Lex gets his island…?

Lois has been lying about Jason to Richard—she had her memory erased, she doesn’t know she slept with Superman.

Superman is gay—I’ve seen this in several places, and I can only say… what? He spends the whole movie regretting what he did to Lois and hoping to see her, even watching to make sure her life is good. Can someone tell me the gay part?

It’s too long—I wanted more, I want to see Superman on the remains of Krypton, I wanted to see more of Singer’s version of Clark’s childhood. I wanted to see more of Clark back in Smallville. I wanted more Daily Planet scenes. The movie stands alone fine, but I am sure ready to watch Superman Returns 2.

Please, if you saw this movie and didn’t like it, reconsider. Give it another look and peel away some of the layers that are waiting below the surface. I’m four pages in, and frankly I could go on for more about all the things I’ve seen in this film in just two viewings, and I know there’s more. This is a superhero movie, and a great film, and deserves recognition. I only hope we the fans don’t shoot ourselves in the foot by wanting to bash this movie and sound smart. Sell this movie to adults- it is grown up; sell this movie to kids- it is spectacular; sell this movie to geeks- it is Superman.

He has returned.