Thursday, January 11, 2007

Scooby Doo and War with Persia





First, go read this:
http://www.slate.com/id/2157397/?GT1=9010

Now, here's my take; I blame a lot of the problems of the South Canadian Empire on Scooby-Doo. Oh, you heard me- Scoob screwed us. How did Scooby do this?

1) The bad guy is just out to scare you off, and has no intention of actually doing any damage.

2) You don't need a plan to find an answer, just stumble around in the dark until you find the bad guy's secret stash. This will make your whole plan fall into place.

3) Once you catch and unmask the bad guy, the whole thing is over because every bad guy has the same plan; make yourself all scary and chase off the good guys. As soon as the bad guy is revealed, he is powerless and humiliated.

4) Scappy Doo sucks.

With the possible exception of point four, it would seem even the Great and Powerful W, leader of the South Canadian Empire, used the lessons of Scooby Doo to plan the invasion of Babylon (unless of course you compare Donnie R. to Scrappy... yeah, OK I can see that, point 4 too). The worst part is, we the People are the fooled cousin to Fred or Velma. You know, the cousin who thought they were threatened by the monster/ghost? Then in comes the Mystery Machine, hilarity ensues and thanks to those meddling kids, scary old Mr. Saddam is revealed to just be a guy in a bad mask. Many of us (enough for me to say "we" regardless of what any individual may have said)also let W and his Mystery Machine just completely screw Babylon up. Hey, mistakes were made. We decided to change that. There was an election, and all that ambiguity gets cleared up by the fact that the then ruling party became the minority party faster then Scooby and Shaggy down a bag of... Scooby Snacks. That'll send a message. Now we have advisors (Babylon Study Group), and a clear indication that things should be different.

Oh, it's gonna be different all right- we're going to hit Persia too! See, Emperor W just moved another South Canadian Carrier group into the Persian Gulf. He also just put a Navy Pilot in charge of ground forces in Babylon. Hmm, we don't need aeroplanes or Squids in Baby... Wait! Airstrikes in Persia would need that stuff! Well, so long as we don't like raid a consulate or- D'Oh! (Sorry- mixed my cartoon metaphors.) Jinkies!

Now, my firm is the group that gets Surged; Yes True Believers, I will be back in Babylon "Reel Sune" (to quote Emilio Lizardo). But here's the thing; I am apparently going to act as bait to get the Persians out from behind their wall so we can pick a fight with them too...I am now Shaggy or Scooby sent into the dark cave to draw out the monsters so W's Fred, Daphne, and Velma can jump out and rip the bad guys' masks off- or hit them with an airstrike or two. And I'm not even getting the Scooby Snack or an offer to feel up Daphne later (or Fred for that matter, but honestly my firm frowns on that too).

You would think we would have learned by now that the people living in that part of the world are not just wearing scary masks- they are wearing the vestiments of fanatics, and will kill or die until there is no one left on either side. It is a culture that glorifies death even more than our own, and that's a lot of killin'.

Read my old posts, or just let me reiterate; I think we were right to rip the mask off Saddam, but then we didn't do what we should have to make Babylon work. My fear is it's too late. It's too late to stop two groups who have wanted to whack each other for years from trying to whack each other. Perhaps there is a solution, I hope so.

That solution is not however having Emperor W write a verbal check that my firm's ass can't cover. We can't open another front. Let the Flintstones or Johnny Quest handle the Persians. My firm needs some time resting up in the Mystery Machine. Otherwise when the real monsters come calling, it'll just be Scrappy between us and them...

...and I hate that fucker.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Ruh roh."

Sounds like we're gonna need Scooby-Dum and Scooby-Dee to help us out of this one!

Great analogies, Dan. I can really see Dad's influence coming through in your sense of humor and writing technique. You possess a very unique sarcasm, but it's potent. I get it.

I just wish it was that simple for the powers-that-be.



Deborah

ProsePetals said...

*laughing*

...SPOCK-MAN!...

Omigawd...interesting take on things, man.

~Prose...

...more familiarly known to your Spockness as Denise. ;)

Rob said...

>> The worst part is, we the People are the fooled cousin to Fred or Velma. You know, the cousin who thought they were threatened by the monster/ghost? <<

No, YOU the people are the foolish cousins. Many of us liberals told you before the invasion began that this war was doomed to fail. We were right.

Bad enough that you didn't listen to us. Worse, you DID listen to George W. Bush, a proven incompetent and ignoramus. You have only yourself to blame for your own foolishness.