Monday, March 05, 2007

Blurry Vision of a Blurry World

Well, I recently underwent PRK surgery on my eyes, which meant some time sitting at home with the news on- which I couldn't really watch being as I was half-blind and drugged up. As a result, if I remember currectly the current events of the world seem to be a Bald Britney Spears going into Sadr City to bury Anna Nicole Smith but instead finding the Tomb of Jesus, whom Condoleeza Rice said was like the Nazis, but Hillary Clinton said that was OK because she was used to dealing with bad men like Barack Obama who is a Muslim who crashed the stock market and sent a tornado to Enterprise, Alabama. There may have been a commercial about a caveman in there as well. Let's see if I can sort this out.

-Britney: somebody buy her an island, and leave here there with no drugs, booze, or parties for a year. Maybe we can leave her a nice bow and arrow and we can get a superhero out of the deal (shout out to my fellow Green Arrow fans).

-Anna: oh wait, don't care. Apparently, since MSNBC's viewers went up five times during their OJ-like coverage of this bullshit, someone does care. Thanks America, for being vapid.

-Sadr City: private message to Muq Al Sadr (we're tight, I can call him Muq)- tell your people to sit down and shut up. We'll jump at the chance to declare victory, go away and then you exterminate Sunnis all you want. Remember though, they have friends... By the way- pretty amazing and sad to me that news about Iraq in general has taken a second seat to the above tales of woe. Way to support the troops there America!

-The Lost Tomb of Jesus: They know it's the tomb of THE Jesus because of the ministry his mother Mary carried on after his death that most of his followers fell under leading to the spread of Christianity in the Greco Roman world and the latinization of her name which appears on the Ossuary. What was it latinized to, "Paul"? I've read a lot of Jesus-stuff, both dogmatic and not, and no one talks about the Virgin Mary becoming a great Rabbi. They also point out that there's a Matthias in the tomb, and Jesus' great great grandfather on Mary's side was Matthias; so, Joseph didn't live long enough to get buried in this tomb in Jerusalem with the rest of them, but Jesus' great great grandfather did? I'm the first to say that the Gospel writiers wrote what they knew to be true, and that it may not be particularly objective. I'm the first to say that there's more to this Jesus thing than Christian dogma would have us believe. But I think we're going to find out that these names got on these caskets the same way that "James, brother of Jesus" one got there; it was scratched in by the guy who dug it up. I also think that we wouldn't even know enough to recongnize the real thing as possibly being Jesus of Nazareth's tomb if it is out there. Hmm- maybe I'll do some Jesus bloggin' here soon, Babylon not withstanding.

-Condi Rice: She doesn't want to redefine that American mission in Iraq because it would be like redefining what we did in Germany after WWII. Well, as smart guy/smart ass Keith Olberman has already pointed out, we did just that- it was called the Marshall Plan and called for dropping food instead of bombs. Also, I can only wish we treated Iraq after the war like we treated Germany after that war. See, in Germany we took the top Nazis out and hanged them, but the Berlin Dog Catcher, who happened to be a party member so he could have a job, was left in place along with the rest of the government infrastructure. Sure, they all renounced the Reich, but the same folks who were responsible for the sewers on May 8th, 1945 were still responsible for the sewers on May 9th 1945. We sent anyone with a Ba'ath party membership packing and had no replacement governmental infrastructure to handle everyday business. The Baghdad Dog Catcher was a "terrorist". Well, he is now...

- Hillary Clinton: My God; she said something funny that almost made her appear... human. Dems- cut her slack please. If you can't pick on Bill Clinton, who can you pick on?

-Barack Obama: Please be an honest man, please be an honest man...

-Stock Market: Dan's paranoid investment tip for the day. No matter what the condition of the world, from New World Order to New Dark Ages, always invest in medicine, food, and guns- they NEVER loose value! Just ask-

-Enterprise, Alabama: One of the best Mexican resturants I ever ate in was in Enterprise, Alabama. It was about a mile from the statue of the Greek Goddess holding up the boll weevil. The town honors the Boll Weevil because the little bugger destroyed their cotton crop resulting in them having to plant peanuts, which in turn resulted in great prosperity. Those people are survivors, and my prayers are with them in their time of need.

For right or wrong, that's how I see this stuff. And they say news commentary is hard; it's so easy even a caveman could do it.